Dean's Secret
by Fzy
Summary: The toughest moment in Dean's life so far was telling Sam about his eating disorder. No slash, just brotherly love.


**Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own anything Supernatural-related.**

 **I'm not to happy with how this story turned out but it's just something I feel like I _had_ to write. It's just some things about me and my life and the way I work through things is to write them down in stories and in a way pretend that this isn't my life but a fictional life. Sam may seem ooc but that is because his words to Dean are taken from an email from my best friend after I spoke to her. They are changed slightly to fit the story but the real words she spoke mean so much to me. As I said this isn't a great story but the idea behind it is important to me.**

There was nothing wrong with him. So what if he skipped all three meals. So what if this continued for a few days. There was nothing wrong with him. He still ate, twice a week he ate enough to keep him going for the next few days. He wasn't anorexic. He didn't force himself to throw up after eating. He wasn't bulimic. He did not have an eating disorder.

Dean sat opposite Sam in the diner. Sam ordered a burger instead of his usual salad.

"I'm not hungry just now thanks" Dean smiled at the waitress, Sam flashed a concerned glance at this brother but shrugged it off as nothing, Dean was always eating, maybe he was just becoming more normal and now realising he didn't need to eat that much.

"I haven't been able to find a case, I was thinking of checking the local library see if I can find any interesting articles" Sam said to Dean as his burger was placed in front of him.

"Go ahead college boy, I'll head back to the motel and hang there for a bit" Dean replied.

About thirty minutes later, they left the diner. Dean gave Sam a ride to the library before heading back to the motel.

Dean didn't even put on his music as he headed back. He tried to not think of anything as he drove. When he got back to the motel he sat on the edge of his bed and put his head in his hands. _I need to talk to Sam, I can't keep going like this. He'll understand._ Dean stood and reached into his duffel bag. He then made his way to the small bathroom and sat on the edge of the bathtub. He twirled the small razor blade in his hand for a few moments before rolling up his short t shirt sleeve to reveal his muscular shoulder. _"Your not fat." "Oh, come on you don't seriously think that do you?" "What an idiot" "You can't do anything right can you?"_ Dean's thoughts were flooded by memories of all the people he held close. No matter how many people told him that he was not fat he would not believe them. Dean smiled falsely when people complimented him, he never truly believed what they were saying but would not argue back for fear of making them think he was just trying to seek attention.

Dean then stood up and turned on the shower. He quickly undressed and stood under the cold stream of water. He stayed like that for about five minutes before slowly getting out and wrapping a cheap motel towel around his waist. He walked back out to this bed and reached into his duffel. He pulled out his relatively tight jeans and a form fitting tee. _Everyone believes people with eating disorders wear baggy clothes to hide their 'fat' so why should he make it obvious._ Once he was dressed he realised he had let a few stray tears run down his face, he aggressively wiped them away before grabbing Sam's laptop and carrying it over to his bed. He lent back against the headboard and drew his knees up to meet his chest, balancing the laptop on his knees.

It had been many months now, no one had noticed, well at least no one had asked about it. Somewhere deep down Dean had wanted someone to notice him drowning. He wanted someone to sincerely ask him if he was okay, he wanted to be able to tell someone everything without thinking that they were going to think he was just lying or making it up for attention.

Dean quickly brought up his email on the laptop. He couldn't have this conversation face to face, virtually would have to do.

" _Hey Sam, I don't know how to say this...I've wanted to tell you for a long time but I couldn't find the words or the courage. But now I feel worse than before and I just really need someone to talk tot about this. Sorry I can't have this conversation in person but I don't think I can handle that right now. You being you, of course you know all about anorexia and bulimia but what about ednos... Quite a few months ago I was diagnosed with that. I'm really sorry I couldn't tell you at the time but I haven't come to terms with it properly even now._

 _I have never really felt like I could talk about this before. I know that you have suspected this before so it should come as no shock to you that I self harm, apparently that and the eating disorder are kinda linked. I know this probably sounds stupid and pointless but I just needed to say this. I know this isn't well explained but I can't stay here anymore, I just need to get out. I hope you read this when you get home._

 _I'm sorry if you think I'm making this up and I'm sorry for doing this to you, I'm your big brother I shouldn't be putting this on you.._

 _I love you Sam,_

 _Dean"_

Dean quickly pressed send and closed his eyes breathing deeply. Then he quickly jumped up dumping the laptop back on the table on his way past and headed outside, he just walked, he had no idea where he was going but the night air helped to calm him down a bit. Hands stuffed in his jacket pockets he made his way out of the town down to the beach that he knew to be nearby.

Sam left the library a bit disheartened that he hadn't found anything odd. It was a nice night so instead of calling Dean to ask for a ride he decided to walk back to the motel, it wasn't that far. He noticed as soon as he shut the door behind him that Dean was not in the room, he called out anyway but he didn't get a reply just as he expected. Sam sat at the table and opened his laptop, the first thing he did was open his email. "Dean... What?" Sam hesitated before opening the email. They were together 24/7 nowadays what was the point in emailing? Sam then looked around again for Dean remembering he was not there, he looked outside and now noticed the impala sitting on the other side of the car park. Sam quickly rushed back to the table and read through the email. Then he quickly stood up and rushed out the door with a pretty good idea of where Dean would be. Where Dean always goes when he needs some time.

"Dean. Dean!" Sam called running down towards the abandoned pier. "Dean" Sam quietened down as he ducked under the fence around the entrance to the pier. He slowly made his way to the end, as he got closer he could see a black 'lump' sitting on the edge. "Dean" He called quietly so as not to scare him.

"Hey Sam" Dean replied without turning around. Sam walked over and sat down beside Dean, both their legs hanging over the edge of the pier. They sat so close that they were touching from shoulder to knee. Sam cautiously put his arm around Dean's shoulder as he spoke.

"I read your email Dean" Dean just sniffed in reply but turned his head to rest on Sam's shoulder.

"Dean, what you told me. You trust me that much. Opening up to people about stuff like this is the toughest thing anyone can go through. I don't think that your attention-seeking, I don't think your making it up. I understand what you are going through. But the way your handling it makes you an amazing, wonderful, strong person" Sam squeezed Dean's shoulder's slightly. "I'm proud of you Dean. This doesn't make you stupid or messed up, you're perfect. I'm always here for you if you ever want to talk" Dean slowly looked up at Sam with fresh tears running down his cheeks.

"Thank you Sammy, thank you"

"Dean, it's getting dark, wanna head back to the motel?" Sam asked starting to stand up, Dean just replied with a nod before standing up himself. Sam replaced his arm around Deans shoulder to give him physical support to show his emotional support.

The brothers smiled at each other as they began to walk back to the motel.

 **I know I have other stories to finish for other fandom's and some more Supernatural stories saved on my laptop that I need to finish so I can upload but as I said before, I _had_ to write this. Hope at least one person reads this and somewhat enjoyed it or didn't mind reading or something.**

 **Always Keep Fighting ^_^**


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